


I wish I said it

by starsandnightskies



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Children, M/M, Married Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandnightskies/pseuds/starsandnightskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has been in love with Harry for years, but Harry is married and has two daughters. One day, Louis snaps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Would you mind coming over? Darcy's being a bit restless and she keeps repeating your name, Lou", Harry told Louis through the phone. Louis was silent. Should he go over and make Darcy, Harry's two-year-old daughter, smile and laugh when he tickled her, with the risk his heart would only break more? Or should he make up an excuse, stay at home and feel guilty after? "Lou, you there?" 

Harry's voice shook Louis out of his thoughts. "Yeah, I'm here. I'll be at yours in twenty", Louis responded, his mouth saying what his mind was still over thinking. "Great, thanks a lot Lou!" Harry sounded relieved. Not really strange, Darcy could be a handful when she was bored. Not to mention Rosie, Harry's other daughter, who was now four months old.

The beep of the phone sounded, signalling Harry had hung up. Louis sighed and got up from the sofa, turning off the telly in the process. Guess he didn't really have a choice anymore. Stupid mouth. He did like going over to Harry's, but it always had a downside. After all those years, Louis was still in love with Harry. And Harry was married. To Ariella. And it did not help Ariella was a really nice girl. Pretty too; red curls, big cerulean eyes and freckles.

And caring, so caring. She always asked Louis how he was, or if he needed anything.

Louis wanted to hate Ariella so desperately, but he couldn't. He couldn't hate the love of Harry's life, simply because she made him happy. Louis remembered how Harry had come to his house, completely panicking because Ariella had told him she was pregnant. Louis had to tell him he should be with Ariella, supporting her and loving her and the baby. Louis thinks that was the first day his heart was shattered. Or maybe the first day was when Harry told him he was in love with her.

Yeah, he thinks the latter was the first day. Louis knew he should have told Harry then, but he kept postponing it, hoping for a better moment. Against all odds still hoping there might be a chance Harry loved him back. But here they were, four years later and Louis still hadn't told Harry. He couldn't stand the idea of Harry hating him. The idea of possibly ruining his friendship and godfather ship simply because he loved Harry. 

Louis could still beat himself up day after day, for not telling Harry. How would the present time have looked like when he did tell Harry? Would he be with him, the love of his life, or would Louis be back in Doncaster with his family, recovering from a broken heart? Well, recovering might have been a strong word. He didn't think he would ever be able to recover if Harry rejected him.

Even though Louis knew it was useless to fantasize about how his life could've been, he still despised himself for being a coward.

Not a day goes by without Louis thinking I wish I told you. I wish I said it.

Louis sighed and slipped on his Converse, something he had adopted from Harry. That boy and his addiction to Converse. But he couldn't deny it: he loved every bit of Harry. From the chocolate brown curls (which weren't really curls anymore, but nowadays wavy strands of hair), to the emerald eyes, dimples, cheeky grin (which hadn't changed at all over the years) and big hands.

Yes, Louis was definitely still in love with Harry.

Louis slammed the front door closed behind him and locked it, before stepping in his car and driving to Harry's place. Luckily it was only a ten minute drive away from his own apartment. Harry joked about it when he bought it, but there was a core of honesty to it. He had said, and Louis remembered it like it was yesterday, "I can't be too far away from my boyfriend, now could I?" Of course the boyfriend part wasn't true - oh how Louis wished - but he knew he was Harry's best mate. 

Harry would still come to him if he needed advice, or just a mate-to-mate conversation, which was pretty hard to have when you lived in a house with three girls. But Louis wanted more. He needed Harry. But he couldn't have him. Did Harry even know he had Louis's heart, Louis wondered sometimes. He was almost sure Harry didn't.

He didn't know what he would do without Harry. He was the light of Louis's life, without knowing it. Without Harry, Louis wouldn't have a reason to live. 

He shook his head as he waited for a red light, the last turn before he arrived at Harry's. Once Louis had parked, he rang the doorbell. A small girl around the age of two opened the door, brown curls framing her face and big emerald eyes peeking up from under her fringe. Darcy was an adorable little girl, as was Rosie. Though Rosie was a miniature version of Ariella as where Darcy was the female version of a young Harry. 

"Uncle Lou!", the little girl squealed. She jumped up and down and extended her arms to Louis, showing she wanted him to pick her up. Which Louis did. "How's my munchkin?", he asked in a children's voice, poking Darcy's nose. She giggled and hugged him around the neck. It still hurt, hearing Harry's daughters call him Uncle Louis. It's not that he didn't like being their godfather, but it was the fact he was just their uncle.

He wanted to be their father, having them call him daddy Louis. But that would never happen. Harry loved Ariella so much. She meant everything to him. "Lou, thank God you're here!", Harry said, wiping imaginary sweat off his face. "Little devil became pretty annoying after a while." "Where's Ella?", Louis asked, handing Darcy back to her Dad. 

"Gone shopping with Danielle, Perrie and Maddie. You should really get a girlfriend mate, the girls need someone new to take shopping. Darc just gets irritated after an hour or two of shopping and running around in the mall", Harry sighed. Louis smiled, a fake one. "I got my eye on someone", he said. "Really?", Harry asked enthusiastically. "It's about time lad, you haven't had a girlfriend in like, four years?" Louis nodded.

If he only knew....

"You should invite her over someday", Harry suggested. "Nah, I don't even know if they like me like I love them", Louis shrugged. "Anyway, come on in", the younger of the two smiled. Louis smiled back and stepped inside. "Rosie's on the sofa, waiting for you." 

"Hey Rosiebear!", Louis smiled. Rosie smiled her adorable smile back, and big cerulean eyes shining with excitement. She made a gurgling noise and flailed her arms at Louis. Louis picked her up and poked her nose. "How's my little girl?", he asked in a baby voice. Rosie made another sound, but this one sounded more like a giggle. She squinted her eyes and patted Louis's cheek.

"It's still a miracle to me how much they love you, Lou", Harry said quietly when his daughters had finally settled down on watching Bambi. "I'm glad you love them, too." "I know, but they are the sweetest things. Darc looks so much like you", Louis smiled, looking at Harry's two daughters. "Rosie will be like an exact copy of Ella though." Harry sighed.

"I know. They're a handful sometimes-" "Sometimes?", Louis laughed. "Mate, you call me at least every week when Ella's out because Rosie is restless, or Darcy misses her uncle, or whatever reason it is this time." Harry blushed. "They're a handful most of the time, but I couldn't live without them. Remember how scared I was when Ella told me she was pregnant?" "Yeah, I remember that", Louis nodded.

"Little did I know those two perfect girls would come into my life and throw it completely upside down." "Three", Louis pointed out. "Don't forget Ariella. You love each other to death." Just like I love you Harrybear, Louis thought. But he didn't say it. He never did.

Harry smiled. "I'm so glad you two get along. I don't know what I would've done when you and Ella had absolutely hated each other." "Don't worry Haz, Ariella's is such a sweet girl, it's almost impossible not to like her", Louis smiled. And he wasn't lying. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis. "I will always love you though Boobear", he teased. Louis managed a weak smile.

He didn't mean it. He didn't love him like Louis loved him.

But Louis swallowed that thought back and hugged Harry, his best friend, the love of his life back. He was slowly starting to accept the idea that Harry would never be his. Never be his to hold, to love and to treasure. But it was okay. Harry was happy, and that was what mattered. But he had to tell him. Now. Before the nerves, that suddenly had showed up, disappeared again.

"Haz, I need to tell you something", Louis started, attempting to swallow the lump in his throat but failing. "What is it, Lou?", Harry asked, concerned by the sudden serious mood Louis was in. "Can we, ehm, go somewhere private? Please?" Harry nodded and led Louis to the kitchen, which was closed off to the living room.

"Harry, promise me you won't freak out", Louis whispered. "What's this about?" "Don't ask, just promise me." "I promise I won't freak out", Harry said, a confused tone to his voice. Louis took a deep breath. He couldn't. After all those years, he still couldn't tell Harry. But Louis's feelings took over. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Harry's. Harry froze.

Fuck fuck fuck, what am I doing? was everything that Louis's brain could register.

And suddenly, Harry started kissing him back. Lips moving in sync, hands reaching up to tangle in curls and feathery hair, bodies moving closer. Panting, out of oxygen and confused. Why was Harry kissing him back? At the same time, all that Harry's thoughts contained was Why is Louis kissing me? The two boys broke apart. "Lou...?" "I'm so sorry", Louis panted. "I just couldn't do it anymore."

"Do what anymore?" "Pretending I haven't been in love with you for the past six years", Louis answered. "I'm sorry." He got up and ran. Ran away from the rejection that would follow. Because after all, he wishes he said it before. Before Harry fell in love with Ariella. Before Darcy and Rosie were born. Before his heart was shattered to a million pieces.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis finds out Harry likes someone that is not him.

»» a little over three years before the prologue took place »»

"Lou mate, I need your help." Harry's melodious voice rang through their apartment, startling Louis who had thought Harry wouldn't be home for another few hours. "Hi to you too, Haz. How was your day? Oh, it was alright Lou, thanks for asking. How was yours?", Louis said sarcastically. Harry sighed. "Not the time, Lou. I really, really need your help." Louis sighed too and switched off the telly. "What is it you need my help for? You never really need my help, not even with cooking!"

"I'm in love with this girl and I want to take her on a date", Harry blurted out. That was a stab at Louis's heart. Yeah, he knew he always was too cowardly to admit he was in love with his bandmate and best friend Harry Edward Styles, but he always had hoped there would be a good moment to tell Harry. How could he be so stupid? Did he really not see Harry falling in love coming? Maybe it was because they did not have many boundaries in their friendship.

Maybe Louis hadn't realized that he would have to share Harry. His Harry. 

"Why do you think I can help?", Louis choked out. Damn, he failed to hide his hurt. "Everything alright Lou?", Harry asked concerned. "Sore throat", Louis croaked, pointing at his throat. "Are you sure you're okay? Do you need anything for your throat?" Louis shook his head. "'m Fine. So, why do you want me to help you? You're the best with girls here. I'm bi, remember? Actually more gay than straight", Louis said, croaking with his voice on purpose to make the story about his sore throat seem more believable.

Harry gave him a pointed look and sighed. "I want to take her on a date but I have no idea what she likes!", he exclaimed. "And you think I do?" "Please Lou, I really don't know!", Harry pleaded. "You could take her minigolfing? You know, you can help her", Louis said. The smile on his face felt fake, too fake. But Harry didn't seem to notice. "What if she's already good at minigolfing?" Louis sighed.

"You can also make her dinner." "Too overused." "Good ol' cinema." "Too cliché." "Swimming pool." "Little perverted for a first date." "Picnic." "Too cheesy." "Walk in the moonlight." "Ew no." "My god, Harry! You decline everything I suggest! How am I supposed to help you when nothing is good enough?", Louis exclaimed. "I'm sorry Boo, but I'm just scared she doesn't like the date and rejects me the next day", Harry said sadly. 

He let his head hang, still standing in the doorway. "You really care about her, don't you?", Louis asked softly. Harry nodded. "C'm 'ere." Louis spread his arms and Harry came over to him. "I just don't know Boo. I don't want to lose her before we even are together", Harry sniffed. He felt bad he rejected every single idea his best friend suggested, but he just wanted a really good first date.

I know how you feel, Louis thought bitterly.

He pushed the thought away and pulled Harry in his lap. Because of their no-boundaries friendship, Louis and Harry considered this, sitting in the other's lap, kissing cheeks, holding hands, completely normal. Louis hugged the curly-haired lad on his lap and rubbed his back. "Tell me about her."

"Her name is Ariella Watson and she works in a bakery. She has this gorgeous red curls, cerulean eyes, a bit like yours, and freckles. She's really pretty and adorable when she blushes." Louis could tell Harry liked her a lot.

I wish that would be me. I wish he was talking about me like this. Like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. Like I was his. I wish I told him. I wish I said it.

Harry rambled on about Ariella and that he really wanted to take her on a date. Apparently he hadn't asked her yet. On the other side, he was scared that either she would only like him and date him for his fame and money, or she wouldn't like the idea of having a life with paps around all the time. Either that or she didn't like him....

She would be really stupid, not to like Harry.

Before Harry could go on, Louis clamped his hand over Harry's mouth, which effectively made him shut up. "Don't say that, Hazza. Everyone likes the curls", Louis joked. "I'm serious though, you're so likeable! You're adorable, you have curls that bounce and emerald green eyes and dimples and you're just cute", he continued. "Are you sure it isn't you that likes me?", Harry joked. Louis chuckled and poked Harry's dimple. "Of course I like you! You're my best friend."

You could have told him, you dickhead. But no, you had to be your own, stupid self and joke it off.

"Aww, I like you too", Harry cooed. He pinched Louis's cheeks and giggled. He actually giggled. Louis rolled his eyes. "Now go make me dinner peasant, I'm hungry", he said. Harry rolled his eyes too. "I still don't know on what kind of date to take Ariella!", he whined. "When she likes you, she'll be fine with any kind of date as long as you're there", Louis told him. He mentally cringed at that because it really did sound like Louis was in love with Harry.

Which was true.

But he just hoped it wasn't showing.

Coward.

"You really think that?", Harry asked, eyes wide. Louis had to use all of his willpower not to jump Harry right there and then. "Hm-hm. I really think that", Louis said. Harry smiled, not a wide and dimpled grin, but a genuine and sweet smile. The one that he reserved for Louis and his family.

"But just take her out for dinner. Nothing better than a good old fashioned restaurant", Louis said. "Could you, erm.... You know, go with me to the bakery. It would be nice if you, erm.... Approve of her", Harry said, his cheeks the nicest tint of pink Louis had ever seen. He really was adorable when he blushed. "Of course I'll go with you. But you don't need my approval Haz. It's not like I'm your mother", Louis answered. Of course I'll go with you? Really? What were you thinking? 'Oh yes, let's meet her and break your heart in another thousand pieces'. Fucking idiot. Louis was mentally smacking himself. In the face. With a brick.

He did not want to meet Ariella in person and watch Harry look at her with heart eyes and a loving smile. The smile he wanted Harry to give him. But he couldn't have Harry, especially not when his best friend, his soul mate, his everything was in love with someone that was not Louis.

"You're my best friend and I really want you to get along with her", Harry whispered. "Don't worry Hazza, it will be fine", Louis smiled.

He wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until he was out of tears. 

Harry smiled too. "Thank you." "Shall we go?", Louis suggested. Harry's eyes widened. "You mean.... right now?", he spluttered. Louis nodded. He pushed Harry off his lap and got up. He slipped on a pair of grey Toms and walked to the front door. "You coming or what?", he called back into the living room. "But I need mental preparation!", Harry protested as Louis dragged by his wrist out of their apartment.

"No, you do not. You will ask her out today, in approximately fifteen minutes. Otherwise you will just keep postponing it", Louis said sternly as he pushed Harry into the passenger side of the car.

After a small drive of about ten minutes, Harry said that they were at the bakery. He was still sulking over the fact Louis had literally dragged him down here to ask Ariella out. Louis, on the other hand, was not sure if he was the only one that could hear his heart breaking more and more every passing minute. He was actually helping the love of his life to fall in love with someone else.

"You alright Lou?", Harry asked. "Jup, now get your pretty ass in there and ask her out", Louis answered. "So you think my ass is pretty?", Harry giggled. "No changing the subject, just get your ass inside that bakery. Chop chop!", Louis grinned. His grin was fake. It always was nowadays. Harry sighed and got out of the car. "If she rejects me, I'm gonna-" "Bye Harry", Louis said and he slammed the door, locking it so Harry couldn't get in anymore.

§ § §

The door of the apartment Harry and Louis shared opened with a creaking sound. He should really fix that. "Hi Haz, how was your date?", Louis called. "It was amazing!", Harry called back. "Did you kiss her?" "What kinda question is that? You know I always kiss on first dates, unless it was awful." Louis felt his heart sink to his stomach. He kissed her. Yeah, Harry had kissed loads of girls before, but never one he really liked.

"Details!", Louis demanded as soon as Harry had taken off his coat and shoes. Louis never understood why he tortured himself like this. He was asking for details on Harry's date, for God's sake! "You know I took her out for dinner", Harry said. "That are no details, Mr Styles", Louis said, rolling his eyes. "Okay, I took her out for dinner at that small, cute restaurant a couple blocks from here. We talked about everything and nothing and then I brought her home and we kissed. And I really like her. That's all." Harry was blushing that nicest shade of pink again.

But then his words sank into Louis. And I really like her. Louis didn't know what to do with himself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments, I like reading your opinions on my story. X


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis gets to endure more heartbreak.

»» two years before the prologue took place »»

Harry and Ariella had been dating for little over a year now. Louis wanted to hate her so desperately, but he couldn't.

He could see how Harry looked at her when she was cooking the three of them dinner. He could see how Harry held her when they were watching a sad or scary movie. He could hear Harry whispering sweet nothings in her ear when they were eating dinner. He could see how Harry hugged her from behind and rested his head on hers. He could see how Harry's big hand engulfed her small one.

He could see how much they loved each other.

And Louis did not like it one bit. He was being selfish because he didn't want to share Harry. His Harry. But he wasn't his Harry. He was Ariella's Harry and she was Harry's Ella. Louis thought he actually deserved an Oscar award for keep pretending he was happy all the time. He was falling apart on the inside, but on the outside he managed to create a mask of happiness, energy and positivity. 

He wasn't happy. He wasn't positive. He wasn't energetic.

If it wasn't for the band, his best friends, he would've hurt himself quite a while ago. But Louis was afraid he would only get 'weaker' if he cut himself, so he refrained from grabbing the nearest razor and sliding it over his wrists, no matter how big the temptation was sometimes. He found it very hard to keep himself together. All he'd been doing lately was listening to music and reading books, something he did not have the patience for in better times.

Harry was mostly at Ariella's, claiming they did not want to bother Louis too much with their coupley stuff. Something Louis was grateful for, but he couldn't bear the thought of what mostly happened when two lovesick teenagers were alone in an apartment.

Louis plugged his phone into his docking station and grabbed the fourth Harry Potter-book. He plonked down on the sofa as his phone started playing Heartbeat by The Fray and he opened his book at the place the bookmarker stuck out. Just when Louis was at the part where Harry Potter was fighting his dragon, his phone started playing Loved you first.

Louis groaned and wondered when he had been so intoxicated that he had downloaded their own music. Then he suddenly remembered he had started listening and downloading it because there were very - erm, unpleasant noises coming from Harry's room.

It was ironic how much Loved you first applied to his situation. They themselves hadn't even written it. The music died down and another song started, immediately starting off with the chorus. Louis recognized the song as his ringtone and he groaned loudly. He put the bookmarker on the page he had stopped reading and put his book down. Getting up from the sofa, he grabbed his phone from his docking station. Caller ID: Hazza. 

"Hi Haz." "Lou", Harry sniffed. "Hazza, what's wrong?", Louis asked concerned. His best friend sounded like he had been sobbing. "Can I come over?", Harry asked in a small voice. "Of course, but what happened? Is something wrong with Ariella?" Harry let out a choked sob at the mention of her name. Louis would never admit it out loud, but he got worried something had happened to the love of Harry's life. "Is she okay? Did you two break up?"

"No, no. None of that all. I'll- I'll be at yours in five", Harry whispered. A click and a beeping noise sounded. What had happened to Harry? His poor little Harry.... Why was he so upset? No matter how deeply Louis thought, he still had no idea.

●●●

About five minutes later, the doorbell rang. One, two, three times before Louis opened the door. Harry's eyes were bloodshot and there were tearstains on his cheeks. Louis spread his arms without asking any questions. Not yet. There would be plenty of time for that later. He thought Harry could really use a hug right now.

Harry buried his face in Louis's shoulder and Louis felt his body shaking with sobs. "Shh, it's okay", Louis whispered. They shuffled inside, Harry still wrapped up in Louis's arms and Louis closed the door, leading his best friend to the sofa and putting him down. "I'll make us some tea, yeah? Try to calm down, Hazza." Louis made the two of them some tea and handed the steaming mug to Harry.

"Haz, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened", he said softly. Harry hiccupped. "You will judge me", he whimpered. "Hazza love, we've been best friends for years. I would never judge you. You know that", Louis told him, in the same soft tone he had used before. Harry sniffed. "I made a huge mistake, Lou. It will ruin my career - our careers and Ella's life", he whispered.

"I'm getting really worried over here, Haz. What happened?", Louis asked, now really concerned by the weird behaviour of his best friend. "Ella's pregnant", Harry whispered very fast, closing his eyes and hoping the information would be easier to digest if he said it quickly. "You mean, like, actually pregnant?", Louis asked, baffled. "Yes, Lou. I'm going to be a father and I'm not even twenty yet", Harry sniffed. His sniffing slowly turned back into sobbing.

"Shh, calm down, love. Calm down, it's okay. I'm here for you. I love you", Louis whispered in Harry's ear as he cried in Louis's shirt. "I'm not ready to be a father yet! I can't - I just - please don't leave me alone", Harry sobbed. "I will never, Haz. I will always support you. I love you and Ella and your unborn child. I want to be an uncle", Louis whispered. "Really?", Harry whimpered, peeking up from under his curls, his normally emerald eyes now red and bloodshot.

"Really", Louis smiled. Harry shot a weak smile back. "Now, Curly, you have to get back to Ella. You can't leave her when she just told you the two of you are going to be parents!", Louis exclaimed. "I know, I was just -" "Completely baffled?", Louis chuckled. Harry nodded, a hesitant smile on his face. "Come on, Hazza. I'll drive you back to Ella's, also so I can congratulate her on becoming a mummy. I take it she keeps the baby?", Louis said.

"Yeah, she does. She knows me and her made a mistake and the baby shouldn't pay for that with its life", Harry sniffed. "Smart one, you got there." "I know." Harry's eyes were shining with pride and love. He really loved her. But Louis wasn't happy at all. Ariella was pregnant. There was no way Harry was going to leave her now. Not when she was pregnant with his baby.

If it even was his baby...

But Louis immediately pushed that thought away. He knew Ariella pretty well and she wouldn't cheat on Harry. There was also no possibility she was lying to keep Harry with her. They had been dating for over a year now and they really loved each other. It wasn't just one-sided. And then it suddenly went through Louis's head.

He was defending Ariella.

And it was like someone had stabbed thousands of knives in Louis's heart. He felt every knife stab another part of his heart. One at the part that loved Harry. One at the part that wanted to hate Ariella but failed to. Another one at the part that still had a little hope of Harry loving Louis back. And another one at the part that was screaming out all the pain Louis felt.

But no one ever heard the screams. Not even Harry, who knew him best. Not even his Mum, who knew him best, but in another way than Harry did. Not Liam, who always knew it when something was wrong with one of them. Not Nialler, who somehow knew when Louis was feeling down. Not Zayn, who observed everyone quietly but always knew what was going on. No one.

He felt more alone than ever. Like no one could hear him, screaming for help, screaming for someone that would help him get rid of this pain. Screaming for someone that could sooth the pain. He had run out of tears a long time ago. Out of tears to cry over Harry not loving back. Out of tears to cry over Harry being with Ariella. Maybe he still had some tears to cry over the fact that Ariella was pregnant with Harry's baby.

Or maybe not. 

Louis once tried to give all the stars a reason why he felt so alone, so hurt. He came to the conclusion there weren't enough stars. 

"Come on, Haz, let's go", Louis said. He did not know how he managed to act normal towards Harry. For God's sake, he just heard the love of his life got a girl pregnant! "Yeah, I'm coming", Harry sniffed. "Just finishing my tea." Louis chuckled. "I think I got you into tea, didn't I?" "You did", Harry smiled. That smile was everything that kept Louis sane. He always tried his utter best to make Harry smile, simply to see his dimples, pearly whites and happy emerald eyes.

The two boys sat in the car in silence, Louis driving and biting his lip to keep himself from screaming and crying. 

I love you so much, Hazzabear. I wish I said it. I wish I told you how much I love you. I wish you knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like posting another chapter. Feel free to leave comments, my loves. X


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets a little baby girl and Louis hates himself more than ever.

»» less than two years before the prologue took place »»

It was eight months after the day Harry had told Louis Ariella was pregnant. Harry had apologized to her for running off when she told him and she smiled, saying she understood it. After all, she had been scared too. Harry had spent a lot of time at Ariella's and Ariella at theirs.

Louis saw Harry whispering to her belly multiple times and they looked all happy and giddy and it just felt like another stab at Louis's heart. Harry would never leave Ariella, especially not when they would become a little family soon. Ariella could start having contractions any time now and Harry was mostly restless and overprotective.

The two best friends were currently watching the telly. The Notebook was on and Louis knew Harry loved romantic movies, so he had switched the channel to The Notebook to distract Harry. They were cuddled up like old times, Louis breathing in Harry's chocolate brown curls and Harry's long fingers tracing patterns on Louis's chest. Louis had really missed this, but he knew it would not happen again after Ariella had given birth to their child.

Her and Harry hadn't want to know the gender when it had been time for Ariella's twenty weeks scan. Luckily everything had gone fine. Louis did not think Harry would survive it if something happened to Ariella because of her pregnancy. Harry had complained, yeah. But that was because Ariella had woke him up once in the middle of the night, exclaiming she had a craving for pineapples.

Harry had almost fallen asleep on Louis's chest when his rang. "Let it ring", Harry grumbled in his sleepy state. Louis chuckled and gently shoved him off. He grabbed Harry's phone and answered the call. "Hazza's phone, Louis speaking." "Lou, I'm having contractions and I do not want to call an ambulance. Can you send Harry over and maybe come too, because I know Haz: completely stressing out", Ariella's voice sounded down the phone. "Of course Ella. We'll be there ASAP", Louis answered. "Thank you", she whispered.

The phone went dead and Louis stuffed it in his pocket, even though it was Harry's, because he would just forget it in his hurry to get to Ariella. "Hazza, get up and put your shoes on. Your girlfriend is having contractions", Louis demanded. "Wha'?", Harry grumbled sleepily. "Up, sleepyhead! Now! Your girlfriend needs you!", Louis yelled in Harry's ear. Harry rolled off the couch with a loud thud.

He glared at Louis. "Was that really necessary?" "Ella's having contractions, you idiot!", Louis said, rolling his eyes. Harry's emerald eyes widened. "What?!", he exclaimed. Louis sighed. "Ella's havi-" "Yeah, I heard you! We have to go!", Harry yelled. He slipped on his Converse, not even tying his shoelaces and ran out the door. Louis calmly got his carkeys and followed Harry, locking the front door in the process.

"Hazza, calm down", Louis said when he arrived at the place where his car was parked. "But I have to go to Ella", Harry panicked, trying to open the door on the passenger side. "I'm driving", Louis stated. He unlocked the door and Harry stumbled in, eyes wide and in a state of panic. Louis rolled his eyes at his best friend and got in as well. "Harry, I'm not driving off until you calm down. Ella's strong, she will be fine until we are at hers. This is what we will do: We go inside and I help Ella into the car while you get all the necessary stuff. Do you understand?"

Louis knew he was talking to Harry like he was a toddler, but he felt like it was the only way to get Harry to listen to him when he was in a state of panic, like he was now. Harry nodded and took a deep breath, even though it did not really help.

×××

Louis parked near Ariella's apartment and Harry jumped out of the car, fumbling with his keys and almost tripping over his untied shoelaces. Louis followed, a heavy feeling settling in his stomach. He didn't want to see Harry and Ariella be a little happy family once they were finally holding their baby in their arms.

Would he or she look like Harry, Louis wondered. Or would it be a miniature version of Ariella? Brown curls or red curls? Blue eyes or emerald eyes? Boy or girl? Dimples or no dimples? Freckles or no freckles?

Harry's hands were shaking as he tried to open the door and he was almost crying in panic. Louis grabbed Harry's hand softly and wiped a tear off his cheek. "It's gonna be fine, Hazza." Louis opened the door and the two boys hurried inside. "Harry!", Ariella called from the living room. She had a small apartment, only a few minutes away from theirs. "Ella", Harry croaked. He ran to the living room and grabbed Ariella's hand. She was seated on the couch and ruffled Harry's curls.

"No need to cry, Hazza. We're gonna have a little baby!", she exclaimed happily. Harry sniffed. "Come on, you are going to grab some of my clothes and the bag we packed a few weeks ago", Ariella said softly to her boyfriend, who was in a very fragile state right now. He nodded and got up, walking to her bedroom. "Thank you for coming, Lou. I'm not even sure if I'm the one about to give birth or him", she whispered. Louis chuckled. "Don't tell him I said that, by the way."

"I won't." Louis hugged her carefully and helped her up, giving her a pair of shoes to slip on. "You finished, Haz?", Ariella called. Harry came out with a bag in his hands and he nodded. "Alright, let's go", Louis said. He had completely put his own feelings aside and now only thought about getting Ariella to the nearest hospital safely.

Yes, he was hurt and falling apart, but he couldn't let his feelings affect Harry, Ariella and their baby.

Harry took Ariella from Louis and the latter grabbed the bag. Two flights of stairs later, Harry and Ariella were seated in the back of the car and Louis was driving. "Lou, please hurry!", Harry choked out when Ariella gave another pained cry. "The speed limit is fifty kilometres an hour, Haz. We don't want to have an accident, now do we?", Louis said calmly. "Lou's right", Ariella panted. "I'm fine."

After lots of cursing from Harry, mostly directed at Louis (he had learned before not to take it personally when Harry was like this) and lots of cries from Ariella, Louis finally parked the car in the parking lot of the hospital. Harry helped Ariella out and Louis went to get a wheelchair. The boys helped Ariella into the wheelchair, her face scrunching up in pain and Harry wheeled her to the entrance, biting his lip.

A nurse took Ariella away from the two boys, but Ariella did not come quietly. She kept yelling about how her boyfriend and her best friend had to come with her when she "was about to give birth, for God's sake!" Louis could still hear her yelling all the way down the hallway. He mentally chuckled at the stubborn girl. Harry was next to him, silent and tears rolling down his cheeks. "Hey Hazza, she's a strong girl, she'll be fine", Louis shushed him as he wrapped his arms around the taller boy's torso.

Harry buried his face in Louis's neck. "I know she is, but I want to be with her. I want to see my baby being born", he choked out. Louis stroked his curls. "I know Hazzabear. But Ella will make a deal with someone in there", he said softly. People were staring at the two of them, but Louis couldn't care less. He only cared about the crying boy on his shoulder right now. Harry was really upset.

First, he got a girl pregnant, which wasn't planned in the slightest, then he freaks out because she told him she was pregnant. Then they decided to keep it, and now he's not allowed to be with her when she's giving birth.

What a mess.

"Have you already decided on a name?", Louis asked, trying to distract the curly-haired lad. He felt Harry nod into his shoulder. "Well, tell me!", Louis exclaimed. He earned a small smile from a girl with blonde curls in the waiting room, apparently waiting for someone as well. "Darcy Louise Anne for a girl and James Louis for a boy", Harry whispered. Louis felt a big grin starting to form on his face. "You name it after me?" Another nod. "I love youuuuu!", Louis whisper-yelled. A chuckle sounded from his shoulder.

Seems like the distracting plan worked.

"Why James though?" "Ella's brother. He passed away when he was fifteen", Harry said. Ariella had a brother? Well, that was.... new information.

"Ehm, are you Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson?", a nurse asked, reading their names from a paper. "Yes", Louis answered. "We have a fiery redhead who won't stop yelling and asking for the two of you", the nurse said. She looked a little distressed. Jep, that's Ariella. "She also refused to tell us her name until we got the two of you." Harry chuckled softly.

The nurse lead the two boys to a room with a lot of doctor's apparatus and, indeed, a fiery redhead who was still yelling at the doctors. "Ella, we're here", Harry said. "You can stop yelling now", one of the doctors sighed. Ariella cocked her head to the side and gave the doctor a glare.

Note to self for future reference: Don't mess with Ariella.

×××

Later, much later, Louis's ears were bleeding from Harry's screaming and Ariella's pained cries. Don't even ask why Harry was screaming, but he just hated seeing his girlfriend in pain and it might also be because Ariella basically crushed his hand by squeezing in it with every contraction she had. One of the two. 

It was completely silent for a moment, before the sounds of a baby crying could be heard. "It's a girl!", one of the doctors shouted. Harry burst into tears and Ariella smiled. The doctors quickly washed all the blood off their babygirl and she was handed to Ariella. "Darcy Louise Anne Styles", Ariella whispered. Harry kissed the top of her head and that was the moment Louis's feelings started kicking in again.

He wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

"Lou, do you want to be her Godfather?", Ariella asked him softly. "I'd love to", Louis answered, quickly faking a smile. "Well, that's all fixed then", Harry laughed. He was really happy with his newborn baby daughter, and so was Ariella.

But Louis wasn't happy. Not at all.

I wish I told you. I wish I said how much I loved you. And still love you.

Those thoughts went through Louis's head when he looked at Harry's smiling face. That night, Louis cried himself to sleep, screaming until the words had dried out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, feel free to comment. X


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets married and Louis feels horrible.

»» a few months after Darcy was born »»

"Lou, you've got a letter!", Harry yelled. "What do you mean, a letter?", Louis asked, frowning because he couldn't remember writing anyone. He could see Harry's mysterious and dimpled grin, showing off his pearly whites. He was holding a letter in his extremely large hand, making the letter seem very small. "Why are you so smiley?" 

Harry handed the letter to Louis, his expression Cheshire Cat-like. It was a fancy-looking, grey envelope with a neat handwriting on it, saying Louis Tomlinson. "Why does it look this fancy?" "Just open it!" Harry sounded like an excited kid on Christmas morning. Louis carefully ripped open the envelope and fished out the letter.

Dear Louis Tomlinson, it read. You are hereby invited to the wedding of Harry Styles and Ariella Watson on the sixth of August, 2015. Louis had stopped reading by now. "You're getting married?", he choked out. Harry nodded proudly. "In August? But that's a few months from now!" "I know, but Ella didn't see the point in waiting another year so we decided on August the sixth." "When did you propose?", Louis asked, a lump in his throat.

The familiar heavy feeling settled in his stomach and he felt sick. Marriage was the last thing he had expected, but in some way, he felt like he should have felt it coming. After all, they did have a child together and they loved each other more than anything. So marriage actually was the next logical step. But it still hurt all the same.

"A few days ago. We haven't got any specific plans yet. Ella wants a small wedding for close family and friends and we want to get married on August the sixth. What else do we need?", Harry said. He sounded happy and it just stabbed at Louis's heart. There was absolutely no way Harry would ever leave Ariella. Not when they were getting married. Louis felt like crying, screaming. But he didn't. He never did.

"Congratulations!", Louis said instead. It sounded fake, like he wasn't happy for his best friend that he was getting married. But he was. He really was. It was just his own fault he hadn't told Harry. And now he was losing him. And nothing felt worse than losing Harry. It was like someone had stuck their fist in Louis's chest, grabbed his heart, squeezed it a few times and twisted it around before ripping it out and stomping on it. And he knew, he knew, he was the only one to blame.

If Louis had just told Harry, if he had just told him.... Everything could've been different now. Positively or negatively, Louis did not know. But he would not ever know. He didn't tell Harry. It wasn't different. It was like it was right now. And there was nothing he could do about it. Harry was going to marry the girl of his dreams and Louis would never be more than the best friend that was always there for them.

Just the best friend.

And the uncle. Uncle Louis.

He wanted to be daddy Louis, not just uncle.

But Harry would never love him like he loved Ariella. Louis knew that. He had known now for about a few years. He thought he had lost his chance when Harry told him he was falling for Ariella. But he didn't expect the feeling he really lost Harry. His Harry. Because Louis still saw him as his. Even if Harry only saw him as his very best friend.

×××

"Lou, am I doing the right thing? What if she doesn't want to marry me, but feels like she has to because we have Darcy?", Harry choked out. The two best friends were waiting at the altar. Guests slowly trickled in; consisting of Harry and Ariella's families, Liam and Danielle, Zayn and Perrie, Niall and Ariella's best friends Maddie, who had started dating Niall a few months ago, and Louis himself.

"Yes, Harry. She loves you, she really does. She would never marry you because she feels like she has to. She wants to marry you because she loves you more than anything", Louis said sternly. "Not getting cold feet, are we?", Liam chuckled. Harry shook his head. "I'm just nervous", he admitted. "That's pretty common, mate. I would be too, but I heard it will all fade as soon as you see her walking down the aisle", Zayn said. Perrie sighed dreamily. "How romantic....." Zayn rolled his eyes.

"Earth to Perrie?" "Oh right, we should take our seats", she said. "Good luck, Harry! In a few minutes, you will be a married man." She winked at him and her and Zayn walked off and took their places on the second row. "It will be fine", Danielle said to Harry, who now almost looked green in the face. He nodded, but it was clear he did not believe her. Danielle smiled and her and Liam also took their places.

"She's just as nervous as you are", Maddie said. She would know, she was Ariella's best friend after all. Niall was staring at her with heart eyes. That boy was so in love..... Just like Harry.... Louis pushed that thought away immediately. Not everything should be linked to Harry. 

But it is. You do link everything to Harry. Every couple you see in the streets. Every person with curly hair, or green eyes. Every person that reminds you even the slightest bit of Harry. It's your own fault, Louis. You could have told him. You could have said it. You could have been with him right now. You could have been the one walking down the aisle instead of her. It's all your own fault.

The voice was back. Louis hadn't heard it in a few days now, but apparently it still loved making him feel horrible. 

Music started playing and Maddie took her place as Ariella's maid of honour and Louis took his place as Harry's best man. Niall hurried to join Zayn, Liam and their girlfriends. Harry looked like he was about to vomit any minute. Louis placed his hand on Harry's arm and whispered "Calm down, Curly. It will all be fine." He gave his best friend a reassuring smile, but he was almost sure it did not help in the slightest.

Ariella came down the aisle, smiling and lighting up the whole room. She looked absolutely beautiful, she really did. No need to lie here. She was wearing a simple white dress with a white veil, which was a big contrast to her fierce red curls. Her bridal bouquet existed of white lilies and some pink roses. Dad was walking her down the aisle and as soon as Harry saw her, his face completely relaxed and he smiled at her proudly, eyes shining with tears. Little Darcy was the ring bearer.

So that's how dying feels.

Louis zoned out during the introduction of the priest, but he did catch the priest saying "If anyone objects to this marriage, please speak now or forever hold your peace." Should he...? But just when he was weighing the pros and cons, the moment had passed and the priest continued. But he couldn't have done it anyway. It would have hurt Harry, and if there's anything Louis tried to avoid the past few years, it was hurting Harry.

That's why he kept quiet when Harry told him he loved Ariella. 

That's why he did not say anything when Harry told him Ariella was pregnant.

That's why he refused to let his feelings take over when Darcy was born.

That's why he bit his lip to stop himself from screaming when Harry told him he was going to marry Ariella.

Louis could not hurt Harry.

He simply couldn't. Maybe he should have, to prevent himself from getting hurt like this. But he didn't. He did not want Harry to feel like he did. Louis did not want anyone to feel like he did, for that matter. Do you know the feeling when your heart feels empty and torn to shreds? Do you know the feeling when you're in a room full of people, but still feel alone? That's how Louis felt. All the time.

Louis once heard the saying The loneliest people are nicest, the saddest people smiled the brightest and the most damaged people are the wisest. Simply because they don't want anyone to feel like they do. All he could say, was that is was true. To the outside world, he kept up an appearance, a happy mask. But it was all fake.

"Do you, Harry Edward Styles, take Ariella Autumn Watson to be your lawful wife?", the priest asked Harry. "I do", Harry answered, his eyes shining with happiness. "Do you, Ariella Autumn Watson, take Harry Edward Styles to be your lawful husband?" "I do", Ariella answered softly. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride". the priest smiled. Harry put back Ariella's veil and kissed her passionately. 

They were married.

Louis looked around the small room and saw everyone applauding with smiles on their faces. Niall was gawking at Maddie and Maddie gave him a small wave. He snapped out of it and mouthed "You look beautiful" to her. Maddie blushed. Liam was hugging Danielle from behind and Zayn kissed Perrie's cheek. Louis saw Liam say to Danielle "One day, that will be us." She blushed like mad.

Louis was searching for anything that might distract him from the fact the love of his life just got married. And not to him. But nothing distracted him. Everyone slowly piled out of the room and into the next one, where the reception would be held. As the best man, Louis had to give a speech. He did not have the slightest idea what to speech about. In films, the best man always speeched about how the newly-weds are the best and cutest couple, or how the groom has always been his best friend and now got married, bla bla. 

But Louis couldn't speech about Harry without raising suspicions. Louis knew he would talk about Harry in a loving manner, a way in which boyfriends or lovers would talk about each other. Not how best friends would talk about each other. So he decided to speech about how much Harry loved Ariella. Not the most comfortable subject for Louis himself, but it would make Harry and Ariella happy, and that's what mattered to Louis.

He had stopped caring about his own happiness a long time ago. Chattering filled the room and Louis felt more alone than ever. Yes, Liam and Danielle were talking with him, but he did not feel a part of the entire happening. He felt like an outsider invited to a wedding of two people he did not know. But he did. Louis did know Harry. He did know Ariella. And he couldn't explain the feeling.

"Lou, I think it's time for you to speech", Danielle whispered to Louis when it gradually became silent in the room. He nodded and swallowed. Harry announced Louis's speech and Perrie squeezed Louis's arm. Louis thought that maybe she knew. Maybe she knew how he found it hard to speech about the love of his life being married to someone that was not him. Or maybe she just thought he was nervous.

Louis got up and took the paper with his speech on it from his pocket. He had learned it by heart, but he felt like he needed the paper anyway, if not for the speech, then for something to hold on to. "Erm, hi. I'm Louis Tomlinson, Harry's best friend", Louis introduced himself nervously. He saw Harry smile at him.

"Just to warn you all, I suck at giving speeches. Erm, about Harry and Ariella.... Harry first told me he liked the girl that worked at the bakery a few years ago. I could tell he was really falling for her at the time and I literally dragged him down there and forced him to ask her out." Laughter sounded and Louis felt a little better. Harry was blushing while Ariella kissed him on the cheek.

"They had been dating for over a year when Harry was at my door, completely panicking and upset because Ella was pregnant. I wanted to comfort him and smack him upside the head at the same time, because what kind of idiot just leaves a girl after she tells him she's pregnant?" Anne chuckled. "Anyways, he went back after I reassured him we-", Louis gestured at the lads and himself, "would never be mad at him and eight months later, little Darcy came along! She charmed us all right from the start."

More laughter and approving nods came from Louis's audience. "Just like Harry himself." Louis could slap himself for saying that. It wasn't even in his speech! But he continued like nothing happened. "I can tell Harry really loves you, Ella. He has never been this shy and loving about a girl before, and I have seen him with some girls." Ariella chuckled. "The way he looks at you, the way he talks about you...." Harry was beet red by now and Louis decided he had speeched enough for today.

"So, let's all raise our glasses to Harry and Ariella, to a long and happy marriage", Louis said and raised his own glass. "To Harry and Ariella!", the room chorused. 

"Thanks for the speech, Lou", Ariella said after they had cut the cake. "No problem, Ella", Louis smiled back. His head felt like it was about to explode any minute. "You alright, Lou? You look horrible", Harry said concerned. "Head ache", Louis muttered. "You can go home if you want, it's almost finished here anyway." "Thanks. I'll see you in two weeks then?" "Yeah. We'll bring you a souvenir from Greece", Harry promised. "Thanks Haz. Take care", Louis said and smiled. He hugged the newly-weds, said bye to the lads and their girlfriends and got into his car.

All he thought of when he drove home, was I wish I said it before. I wish I told you how much I love you before this girl came along. Before this marriage. When it was just you and me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is feel free to leave comments :) X


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Harry experiences the kiss

"Would you mind coming over? Darcy's being a bit restless and she keeps repeating your name, Lou", Harry said to his best friend as soon as Louis had picked up the phone. There was a silence and Harry was wondering what Louis would be thinking about. Maybe he had other things to do then coming over to Harry's to keep him company or entertaining Harry's two daughters. "Lou, you there?", Harry asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm here. I'll be at yours in twenty", Louis's beautiful voice sounded. "Great, thanks a lot Lou!", Harry said relieved. Maybe Louis didn't hate him after all. Maybe Louis still did want to hang out with him. Maybe Louis didn't despise him for marrying Ella. Maybe Louis was holding himself together better than Harry thought. Because Harry could see how Louis was hurting. But he did not know why.

Was it because he got married? Was it because he got married to Ariella? Did Louis not like Ariella? Was it because he had a little family of his own and basically abandoned Louis as soon as Darcy was born?

Harry didn't know. But he did know something was wrong with Louis.

Harry hung up the phone and went to get Rosie from her crib. He loved his daughters and wife to pieces, but he still felt like there was a piece missing. Maybe it was Louis. Maybe Louis was the missing piece. Yes, Harry had had a crush on his best friend a few years ago, but he was over that now. Right? He did not have feelings for Louis anymore, other than 'best friend'. Nah, he didn't.

"How's my Rosie girl today?", Harry cooed at his baby daughter. She gurgled and giggled and flailed her arms. Harry smiled at her. She was so adorable and looked exactly like Ella. Big cerulean eyes and some red fluffy strands of hair. Harry was sure her hair was going to be curly when she reached Darcy's age. He picked her up and clumsily changed her nappy. Harry still wasn't very good at - well, baby stuff like this. But Rosie thought he was doing just fine and kept giggling and gurgling and flailing her arms.

"Uncle Lou?", Darcy asked from the doorway. "Yeah honey, uncle Lou is coming over", Harry answered his two-year-old daughter. Darcy grinned, dimples on full display and skipped out of the room. "Yay!" Rosie just giggled and gurgled and flailed her arms and Harry blew a raspberry on her tummy. He loved his daughters so much.

"Do you remember uncle Lou, Rosiebear? He is here once a week, at least", Harry murmured to his youngest daughter. Rosie squinted her eyes and spluttered. "Yeah, I'll take that as a no then", he chuckled. He thought he had to be going mad, talking to a four-month-old like she was at least eight years old. Oh shit. Darcy was alone in the living room and God knows what she would do. "Darcy!", Harry called. Little patting footsteps sounded and Darcy appeared in the doorway with big innocent eyes.

Harry sighed in relief. He picked Rosie up and carried her to the living room, putting her in her high chair. "Darcbear, you coming? Uncle Lou will be here soon!" Darcy followed Harry to the kitchen and he lifted her up. "How's my beautiful today?" Darcy giggled and started playing with Harry's curls. It had been a habit ever since she had discovered them once. "Mummy?", she asked. "Mummy is shopping with auntie Dani, auntie Perrie and auntie Maddie", Harry explained.

Darcy nodded as if she completely understood what Harry had just said, even though Harry was pretty sure she only understood Mummy, auntie Dani, auntie Perrie and auntie Maddie. Darcy suddenly pouted and pulled at Harry's hair. He winced and gently untangled her small fingers from his hair. His eldest daughter gave him a dimpled grin.

Louis couldn't be the missing piece, because Harry had everything he needed right here. Well, except for Ariella then. But that would be because she had gone shopping.

He was just imagining he felt incomplete, because he had everything he had ever wanted.

A beautiful, sweet wife who loved him dearly, and two gorgeous little daughters.

What could he be missing?

Louis, a small voice in the back of his head whispered. Harry sighed. Maybe he wasn't over his little crush just yet.

In case you're wondering, Ariella knew Harry had a crush on Louis when they started dating, and she was okay with being a second choice. She didn't want it to be the reason they weren't together though and if Harry ever felt more for Louis than just a little crush, he had to tell her. That was the promise they made, and Harry had no problem whatsoever with that promise. 

The doorbell rang and Darcy squirmed in his arms. Harry chuckled and put her down, watching her run to the front door and opening it with a little difficulty. Her brown curls fell over her eyes and Harry saw Louis standing outside the door. He still looked gorgeous, six years after they had first met. Beautiful cerulean eyes, even though they had lost the spark in them years ago, messy chestnut coloured hair styled in a fringe and a slight stubble. God, that stubble made him even prettier. In a manly way, of course.

No one messes with Louis's manliness.

Harry had no idea if it was normal to analyze your best friend in a way he just did, but it was Harry and Louis. They never had many boundaries anyway.

"Uncle Lou!", his eldest daughter squealed. She jumped up and down and extended her arms to Louis, indicating she wanted him to pick her up, which Louis did. "How's my munchkin?", he asked in a children's voice, poking Darcy's nose. She giggled and hugged him around the neck. Harry loved seeing him with his daughters. He was so adorable with children, but that's probably the advantage of having four little sisters.

"Lou, thank God you're here!", Harry said, wiping imaginary sweat off his face. "Little devil became pretty annoying after a while." "Where's Ella?", Louis asked, handing Darcy back to Harry. "Gone shopping with Danielle, Perrie and Maddie. You should really get a girlfriend mate, the girls need someone new to take shopping. Darc just gets irritated after an hour or two of shopping and running around in the mall", Harry sighed.

Louis smiled at him, even though Harry could see it wasn't a genuine one. To think about it, he hadn't seen a genuine smile of Louis in years. "I got my eye on someone", he said. "Really?", Harry asked enthusiastically. "It's about time lad, you haven't had a girlfriend in like, four years?" Louis nodded."You should invite her over someday", Harry suggested. "Nah, I don't even know if they like me like I love them", Louis shrugged. "Anyway, come on in", the younger of the two smiled. Louis smiled back and stepped inside. "Rosie's on the sofa, waiting for you." 

Louis didn't look happy, talking about the girl he said he liked. And to think about it, Harry didn't like the idea of Louis with some girl he didn't know. But that's just his mind playing tricks on him, he was sure of that.

"Hey Rosiebear!", Louis smiled. Rosie smiled her adorable smile back, and big cerulean eyes shining with excitement. She made a gurgling noise and flailed her arms at Louis. Louis picked her up and poked her nose. "How's my little girl?", he asked in a baby voice. Rosie made another sound, but this one sounded more like a giggle. She squinted her eyes and patted Louis's cheek.

"It's still a miracle to me how much they love you, Lou", Harry said quietly when Darcy and Rosie had finally settled down on watching Bambi, even though they both didn't really understand the story yet. Darcy just thought Bambi was adorable. "I'm glad you love them, too." "I know, but they are the sweetest things. Darc looks so much like you", Louis smiled, looking at Harry's two daughters. "Rosie will be like an exact copy of Ella though."

Harry sighed."I know. They're a handful sometimes-" "Sometimes?", Louis laughed. "Mate, you call me at least every week when Ella's out because Rosie is restless, or Darcy misses her uncle, or whatever reason it is this time." Harry blushed and he knew Louis was right. But he just liked having Louis over. Was that so bad? "They're a handful most of the time, but I couldn't live without them. Remember how scared I was when Ella told me she was pregnant?" "Yeah, I remember that", Louis nodded.

"Little did I know those two perfect girls would come into my life and throw it completely upside down." "Three", Louis pointed out. "Don't forget Ariella. You love each other to death." Yeah, we do. But somehow, I might love you just as much. Harry mentally groaned at the annoying little voice. Was it his conscience talking to him?

He smiled at Louis. "I'm so glad you two get along. I don't know what I would've done when you and Ella had absolutely hated each other." "Don't worry Haz, Ariella's is such a sweet girl, it's almost impossible not to like her", Louis smiled. Somehow, this seemed a more genuine smile than the one Harry had seen earlier. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis. "I will always love you though Boobear", he teased. Harry missed the weak smile Louis gave him.

Somehow, having Louis in his arms felt right. He couldn't explain the feeling and he couldn't explain why it felt so right, but it just did. It felt like the missing puzzle piece had been filled, but only temporary. Harry stepped back and smiled at his best mate. But Louis looked nervous for some reason. "Haz, I need to tell you something", Louis started. "What is it, Lou?", Harry asked, concerned by the sudden serious mood Louis was in. "Can we, ehm, go somewhere private? Please?" Harry nodded and he led Louis to the kitchen, which was closed off from the living room.

"Harry, promise me you won't freak out", Louis whispered. "What's this about?" Harry was getting a little worried. Louis sounded like something awful had just happened. "Don't ask, just promise me." "I promise I won't freak out", Harry said, a confused tone to his voice. He really didn't understand what Louis was going on about. Louis took a deep breath. He seemed like he was debating something with himself. Suddenly, Louis leaned forward and pressed his lips to Harry's. Harry froze.

What is Louis doing? And why does this feel so right? These thoughts flooded Harry's brain.

And suddenly, Harry started kissing him back. He didn't even know what he was doing. Lips moving in sync, hands reaching up to tangle in curls and feathery hair, bodies moving closer. Panting, out of oxygen and confused. Why was Louis kissing him? The two boys broke apart. "Lou...?" "I'm so sorry", Louis panted. "I just couldn't do it anymore."

"Do what anymore?" "Pretending I haven't been in love with you for the past six years", Louis answered. "I'm sorry." He got up and ran. "Louis?" Louis was in love with him and had been for the past six years? How could he have been so stupid? How could he not have noticed? The front door slammed close after Louis and Harry knew he was gone. Scared for rejection and Harry understood that.

Now Harry understood why Louis had been hurting. Helping him for the first date, hearing Ariella was pregnant, becoming Godfather to Darcy, being best man at the wedding.... That must have hurt so much for Louis, seeing the man you are in love with getting married and starting a family with someone that is not Louis.

How could he have been so stupid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've put this story on hold on my Wattpad account, because I'm having a bit of a writer's block. Currently working on the second last chapter. Feel free to comment! X


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was short, sorry. Little filler chapter. Feel free to comment anyways!

Louis hadn't spoken to anyone after he had kissed Harry. It hurt that Harry hadn't come after him, even if it had been to call him names or to scream at him. Anything had been better for Louis. But Harry hadn't come after him and Louis had isolated himself from the world. He had about twenty-five missed calls from Niall, another twenty-seven from Liam and two from Zayn. The latter had also sent him a textmessage.

If you want to talk, I'm here for you. x

Louis decided he liked Zayn best at this moment. But he had heard nothing from Harry. He wasn't surprised. He himself also wouldn't be very happy if his supposed straight best friend kissed him. Maybe he should talk to Zayn. Maybe he needed a second opinion on the entire situation. And Zayn always knew what to do. Louis nodded to himself and took his phone. He dialled Zayn's number and he picked up at the second ring.

"Louis, mate, are you okay?" Zayn sounded worried. "Yeah, I'm-" Louis cleared his throat since it was a little sore from not speaking in days and continued, "I'm fine. Can you come over please?" He heard Niall and Liam's voices in the background and sighed. Of course they were there too. "Alone?", Louis added. He heard some more mumbling and then Zayn's voice again. "Sure, Lou. I'll be there in a few, alright? Love you." "Love you too", Louis whispered. The line went dead and Louis chucked his phone on the bed.

He hoped Zayn would just let him explain before he flipped out. Louis's apartment was a mess. Clothes all over the floor, empty cereal bowls everywhere, empty pizza boxes on the floor in the living room, and Louis himself wasn't too clean either. He hadn't showered for four days. Maybe that would be a good idea. Louis got up from his bed and dragged himself to his bathroom. He took a quick shower and washed his hair.

Louis was wondering what Harry was doing at this very moment. Was he working? With Ariella? Acting as if Louis didn't exist? Or missing Louis like crazy, like Louis missed Harry? He wouldn't know.

Louis quite liked being isolated. No one comes to ask if you need anything, no one bothering you with news nobody cares about.... And most of all, it was silent. Except for the music Louis listened basically all day long. Depressing music, to match his mood.

He dried himself with a white, fluffy towel and pulled on his sweatpants and a hoodie. It smelled like Harry, even though Harry hadn't been living at Louis's apartment anymore after he moved in with Ariella a few months ago. Louis ruffled his hair and sauntered into his living room. He had just started collecting the empty cereal bowls when his doorbell rang. "Be with you in a minute!", he yelled. He dumped all the empty bowls in the sink with the intention to wash them later.

As soon as Louis opened the door, he was engulfed by Zayn's tanned arms as he was pulled in a tight hug. "Are you okay?", he heard Zayn ask somewhere above him. He shook his head into Zayn's chest and Zayn sighed. "Oh Lou." Louis didn't even notice he was crying until he felt that Zayn's shirt was completely soaked. Suddenly, he was gently placed down on the couch and he gripped onto Zayn's shirt tightly.

"I screwed up, Zayn", Louis sobbed. "No, you didn't. You have to tell me what happened, Lou. Otherwise I can't help you." Zayn's voice was soft and not demanding in the slightest. He sounded like he had all the time in the world to wait for Louis to calm down and tell him what happened, like he wanted to help Louis and that's what Louis loved about Zayn. He always made time for his friends.

A few minutes later, Louis had calmed down enough to talk, even though he was still hiccuping slightly from crying so much. "I won't judge you, Lou. You know that." Ironically enough, Zayn sounded a lot like Louis, months ago when he was asking Harry what happened. The day Harry told him Ariella was pregnant. Harry..... "What's with Harry?", Zayn asked. Apparently, Louis had spoken out loud without noticing.

"I screwed up. I'm not surprised if he never wants to see me again", Louis whispered. "Lou, you're scaring me. What happened?" "I kissed him."

Silence. Louis let his head hang and buried his face in his hands.

"Why?", Zayn asked eventually. Louis decided to just blurt everything out. Here goes nothing.... "Because I've been in love with him for the past six years."

More silence.

"Zayn?" "Yeah, woah, I just need some time to let all of this sink in. So you kissed Harry because you love him. Correct?" Louis nodded. "Did he kiss you back?" "Yes." "Do you know how he feels about you?", Zayn asked. There was no judgement in his voice, just curiosity. "Not the same, obviously. He's married and has two daughters", Louis exclaimed. He felt Zayn's hand rub his back. "Maybe he is confused, Louis. I mean, I take it you told him you love him?" "Yeah, I did."

"How did he react?" "I don't know, I ran out after I basically yelled at him I've been in love with him for the past six years." Zayn chuckled. "That's not bloody funny!" "Oh Loubear. You should have given him a chance to respond", Zayn said. "Easier said than done. I was scared for rejection. What if he never wants to see me again? What if he hates me?" Louis's voice cracked at the last sentence.

"Harry could never hate you, Louis. He really loves you, but only he knows in what way." "Zayn, now's not the time for philosophical riddles", Louis sighed. Zayn chuckled again. "What I meant to say was that you will never know if he loves you back if you don't ask him." "I knew that." "Sure you did", Zayn teased. Louis gave him a watery smile and Zayn kissed his cheek. "There's the Louis I know. Now, let's clean up because it's an absolute mess in here."

"You know me, I hate cleaning", Louis said with a small smile. "Oh, I first have to let Niall and Liam know you're okay and alive, because they were worried sick." He threw Louis a mock-glare and fished his phone out of his pocket. Louis saw he dialled Liam's number from speed diall and Liam picked up at the first ring. "Is he okay?", Liam's frantic voice sounded down the phone. Zayn had put the conversation on speaker and Louis chuckled.

"He's fine now", Zayn said. Liam sighed in relief. "Thank God." "I'm right here you know", Louis said. "You okay, Lou?" "I'm okay." "Is that Louis?", a low voice sounded down the phone. That voice could only belong to one person. One with dark curls, emerald green eyes, dimples and a breathtaking smile.

Harry Styles.

"Nope", Louis said with a fake, lower voice than he normally had. "You do realize I can recognize your Yorkshire accent from anywhere, right? You dork." Harry didn't sound angry. That was positive, right? "Lou, please. I need to talk to you." Louis stared at the phone, as if it would give him an answer. "Lou?" Louis didn't want to answer. Harry's voice brought up all the memories he had managed to hide in the back of his head for the past few days.

"Louis? Louis, talk to me." Liam, Niall and Zayn said nothing. "Please?" "Okay", Louis whispered. He saw that Zayn was probably mentally high-fiving himself right now, judging from the look on his face. "Can I come over, or do you want to come to mine?" Harry sounded happy Louis had answered him. "You can come over, but not today. I need to clean. Tomorrow." Louis was shaking on his legs and his knuckles were white from clamping himself to the couch.

"Okay. I love you." The line went dead, just as Louis wanted to say I love you more.

"Well, he doesn't hate you", Zayn said. "You arse! You knew he was there, didn't you?" Louis wasn't really mad, but he did punch him in the arm weakly. "I didn't, I swear!", Zayn protested. Louis glared at him. "Maybe a little", Zayn mumbled. Louis gave him another punch. "Why am I even friends with you?", he wondered out loud. "Because you love me", Zayn winked. Louis shrugged. "Maybe." Zayn gasped. "You love me, Tommo and you know it!"

Zayn wrestled Louis to the floor and they both laughed maniacally. Louis knew he would always have his friends, even if he couldn't have Harry to be more.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry finally talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still have to write the last chapter, so it might take a while. In the meantime, feel free to leave comments! X

Louis was nervous. In fact, he was pretty sure he hadn't been this nervous ever before. He had been pacing through his apartment all night, and now, at four in the morning, he felt tired. Harry would be at his apartment at ten, so theoretically he still had about six hours to sleep. But Louis knew that if he went to bed now, he surely couldn't fall asleep. He felt himself grow more and more frustrated by the minute.

"I hate you!", he suddenly screamed throughout his apartment. Of course, no one responded. "I hate you", Louis's voice broke down to a whisper halfway the sentence. No, you don't, a little voice inside his head said. Louis knew he didn't hate Harry. He just hated the heartbreak he had been going through for the past six years.

What if Harry hated him? What if Harry only came today to tell him he never wanted to see him again? What if Harry only wanted to tell him to stay out of their lives?

Louis was very convinced he wouldn't be able to handle that. He cared too much.

In one way, Harry was his little brother, someone he had to take care of, someone he had to hold if he was upset. But at the same time, Harry was his soulmate, the person he could tell everything to, the person he knew would never judge him for anything. And, also at the same time, Harry was his everything, the light of his life, the only thing that kept him going in this mad world.

Louis had needed to keep himself from drowning himself in alcohol to forget about everything. No matter how horrible he felt, he did not want to ruin the other boys's careers by getting drunk every night and having terrible stories spread about him. It would also affect the others. And Louis never wanted that. He already felt like a burden, let alone if he became addicted to alcohol. Plus, he didn't want to disappoint his Mum, nor be a bad example for his little sisters.

The first weak sunrays shone through his window and Louis noticed he hadn't closed the curtains when he did an attempt to go to bed. Not that he cared, anyways. Not even the weather matched his mood. 

It was now around half four in the morning and Louis felt himself become more and more nervous with every passing minute. It was silly, of course, because Harry would only come at ten, which was about five and a half hours from now. Louis sighed deeply and crawled into his bed, shutting the curtains before he did. After fifteen minutes of tossing and trashing about, he finally fell in a deep, dreamless sleep.

xxx

Far, far away, a ringing noise sounded. Louis groaned and rolled over in bed. "Five more minutes", he mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. The ringing noise continued and Louis attempted to swat at his alarm. "Ugh!", he exclaimed. The noise sounded again and Louis recognized it as his doorbell. "Shit!", he yelled, glancing at the clock. It was ten o'clock sharp. Louis dragged himself out of bed and opened the door. He was still in his pajama bottoms and he was pretty sure his hair was a total mess.

"Erm, hi", Harry said awkwardly. Louis's chest tightened a little. "Hi", he whispered back. "You didn't just wake up, did you?" "I did", Louis answered, blushing slightly. "So erm", Harry coughed awkwardly, "how are you?" Louis hated this. He hated the awkward small talk. Him and Harry had never had awkward conversations ever before and because Louis had kissed him, everything in their friendship had changed. And Louis never wanted that.

"I'm alright", Louis said, head down and not looking at Harry. "Can I come in? It's kind of cold outside", Harry said, cheeks slightly pink. "Yeah, sure." Louis stepped aside and let Harry in. The latter took off his coat and shoes and continued into the living room. "Erm, please sit down", Louis said hastily when Harry fiddled with the hem of his shirt, still standing in the middle of the room. Harry sat down on the couch and Louis joined him.

There was a silence.

A silence like the two boys had never experienced before between the two of them. 

"So, erm....", Harry coughed once again, "what happened that day?" "We kissed", Louis said dryly. Harry winced and Louis felt a stab at his heart at that. "I know that. But what you said to me before you ran out?", Harry said softly. "That I've been in love with you for the past six years?", Louis asked bitterly. "I meant every word of it." 

The curly haired boy stayed silent and Louis felt tears stinging his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?" He barely suppressed a scoff. "If it was the other way around, would you have told me?" Harry thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. "No, I wouldn't have. I would've wanted you to be happy, even if it meant I wouldn't be. That's what you did, isn't it? You wanted me happy, even though you yourself weren't." Harry took a deep breath and continued.

"You helped me to ask Ella on a date. You asked me how the date went. You were the one to calm me down when I found out Ella was pregnant. You were there to hold me when she gave birth to Darcy and I was scared shitless. You were my best man at the wedding. You are Darcy's Godfather. I've been so blind!" Harry buried his face in his large hands. 

He finally knew, he finally saw.

"I hurt you, Boo. I hurt you so badly. I never wanted to. I never intended to hurt you so badly. And I have been hurting you for six years. Six years, Boo, and I never noticed anything. I should have seen it before, but I didn't. I'm so sorry." Harry sounded so guilty. Even though Louis wanted him to feel a little bad, he hadn't meant this much.

"I hid it pretty well. Nobody knew, not Mum, not Liam, not Zayn, not Niall. No one", Louis said softly. "But how did you survive these years, helping me and Ella with everything. You saw me being in love with her and- It must've hurt so badly, Boo." Harry started choking up and Louis took his abnormally large hand in his own, dainty one. Harry didn't flinch away. Instead, he squeezed Louis's hand as he took deep breaths. "It did hurt. Every second I saw you with her hurt so badly I wanted to rip my heart out." Harry cringed and Louis rubbed Harry's hand.

"But as long as you were happy, I was okay with it. And I love Darcy and Rosie, don't get me wrong. But I wanted to be more than just Uncle Louis. And I couldn't be. I could never be more than just Uncle Lou." Louis felt the tears coming up once more and this time, Harry engulfed the smaller boy in his arms. "I'm so sorry, Boo", Harry mumbled into Louis's hair.

And Louis cried. He finally let it all out; all the feelings he had bottled up inside for six years. He knew he was soaking Harry's shirt in tears but Harry didn't seem to care. 

He just held Louis and stroked his hair, whispering soothing words in his ear. 

After Louis had calmed down, Harry loosened his grip on him slightly. "Ella and I talked about this", Harry said. Louis let out a bitter chuckle. "I don't want to hear it." "No Boo, it's not like that. I- erm, I have something to tell you as well." Harry sounded very serious. Louis looked up. He was captivated by the bright emerald eyes that looked at him. They begged for him to trust Harry. They were concerned, guilty and hurt, but also shined with love, care and trust. Louis knew Harry would never purposefully hurt him. And he nodded for Harry to continue.

"Ella and I talked about it. When we started dating-" Louis grimaced, "Ella knew she would always be my second choice and she was okay with it. She knew I would never be able to love her like she deserves and she took the risk." Louis furrowed his brow. "Second choice? Don't be silly Harry. You love her more than anything", he said.

"Let me finish. She agreed to keep Darcy, even though she knew she was my second choice. We even got married and she deserves so much more. Ella knew, somehow, that I would love Darcy and later Rosie unconditionally. She was okay with my heart belonging to someone else." "What do you mean your heart belonging to someone else?", Louis asked. He felt confused. Harry never had been in love with Ariella?

"It's complicated", Harry sighed. "I love Ariella, of course, but my heart has always belonged to someone else. I never was in love with her. I thought I would get over the person I had a crush on. I was unsure at the time. I was sixteen and confused about my sexuality. I thought we would never have a chance. I was also convinced he could and would never love me back." He? What did Harry mean with he?

"I started dating Ariella. She's smart, pretty, caring.... And I was expected to date someone like her. So I did. But a few weeks ago, the boy my heart belongs to proved me wrong. He showed me he did love me back." Louis's mouth was agape.

Harry had actually loved him all this time?

"It's you, Louis Tomlinson. It's always been you", Harry said softly. Louis felt a tear rolling down his cheek. "Why didn't you tell me, you ass?!" He smacked Harry's arm, but it was only a weak punch. "I love you so much, Boo. And it took me six years and a lot of pain on your side for me to realize I have been in love with you all this time. And you love me back." Harry's voice was deep and slow but Louis knew he meant every word of it.

"I love you back indeed", Louis whispered. He leaned in slowly, as did Harry. Their lips met halfway and Louis remembered the feeling of Harry's lips. He was actually pretty sure he would never forget that feeling. As they broke apart, Harry whispered "I love you. And I will never hurt you again, Boo." And Louis believed him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little epilogue.

"Harry, you finished yet?", Louis called upstairs to his boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend, you heard it correctly. Harry had asked Louis out as soon as the divorce with Ariella had been over with it. Ariella didn't mind at all. All she had been worried about were the girls: Would they be happy with four parents instead of two?

She had gotten her answer quickly: Darcy and Rosie loved all four of them. The girls had stayed over at Louis and Harry's place for the weekend and they loved Louis just as much as they loved Harry, or Ariella for that matter. They had started calling Louis Daddy Lou en Harry was Daddy Harry. Louis thought it was absolutely adorable.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a second. Is Ella there yet?", Harry called back. The two of them had remained very good friends, even after the divorce. Ariella had found a new boyfriend who (much to Harry's happiness) loved her and treated her like she deserved. "Nope, but she will be here soon." A few minutes later, Louis heard footsteps stomping down the stairs. Harry absolutely could not walk down the stairs quietly.

"Hi babe", Harry greeted, pecking Louis's cheek. Louis blushed. He still wasn't used to Harry kissing him whenever he felt like it and calling him babe. "You've got some food from the refrigerator, right? You know how Darce gets when she's hungry." Louis shivered. He remembered last time all too well: Darcy had bitten his ear because she didn't get food fast enough. And trust him on the part that Darcy bit hard. Her toothprints had been in his ear for another five hours.

Harry looked at Louis with questioning eyes and Louis realized he hadn't answered him yet. "Yeah, I've got food. But I guess Ella has some as well. I think she also has some experience with a hungry Darcy." "Rose's not much better though. But she doesn't bite. She only cries in a tone that hurts your ears", Harry chuckled. "Either way my ears get damaged", Louis mumbled.

Harry laughed. "Poor Boo. Does your ear still hurt?" "Very much, thank you for asking", Louis pouted. Harry kissed his boyfriend lovingly. "You do have a habit of exaggerating things, you know." Louis rolled his eyes just when the doorbell rang. "Ah, there's Ella and the girls", Harry said happily. "Don't forget Dan", Louis pointed out. "Whatever."

The two boys stepped outside and waved at Ariella, Dan (her new boyfriend) and the girls. "How's my little baby girl today?", Harry cooed at Rosie, taking her from Ariella. "Hi Darcebear", Louis said happily to the little girl. She looked up, rather disturbed from eating a slice of cucumber, but as soon as she saw Daddy Louis, her face brightened up. "Daddy Lou!", she exclaimed. "How's my munchkin?"

"Vewy good", Darcy said proudly. Louis smiled widely and picked her up. Darcy nibbled on her slice of cucumber and rested her head on Louis's shoulder. "Hello Louis, how are you?", Ariella asked him. "Very well, thank you. Haven't the girls been tiring you out?" Ariella sighed deeply. "Rosie barely sleeps and Darcy is hungry all the time. I think she has spent too much time with her uncle Niall..." 

Louis chuckled. "Let's go", Harry said. Louis put Darcy in his neck and Dan grabbed Ariella's hand. They truly were an adorable couple. As the six of them walked to the playground together, Louis realized he was blessed. He had an extremely loving boyfriend, two wonderful daughters and good friends. And eversince Harry had kissed him for the second time, Louis never thought again life sucked. Not once did he think I wish I said it. I wish I told you. Because Harry knew. 

Life was good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO glad I finished this. I already was 2382356123% done with this after the third chapter.... Oh well.


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